Hey Folks,
Picking up from where I left you in January, I am still in a phase of what feels like “catching up with myself” in a lot of ways. Learning, researching, making, doing, simply being creative each and every day, no matter what. I have found joy in this return to what really matters most to me, as a craftsperson and artist. Of course, the downside of retreating into making mode is that it can be solitary as well as leave you a bit broke… Both can’t be helped, as far as I am concerned, but I hope it’ll be worth it in tangible ways soon enough. As a self-employed creative worrying about regular (or any!) income is a constant companion but, counterintuitively perhaps, I try to not let it take over and influence me in my work. I went down that road before and it doesn’t pay off, literally. For a while, you may feel safe as the pennies pound, but down the line you start feeling poor in other ways. At least I did when it got to the point where I didn’t feel I was making the work I really wanted to anymore. I still struggle to find a sustainable balance between the “bread and butter” parts of my work and the more fulfilling, creative free flow. Maybe I will get there eventually, maybe I won’t. All I’m saying is that I try to not let it debilitate me, where possible. I am softer, gentler with myself and accept the leaner times together with the abundant ones. Most of the pressure and expectations are learnt behaviours, imposed from an outside world, that I need to un-learn for good in order to move on as an artist and, possibly, well-rounded human being.
One thing that I kept finding myself looking at repeatedly in February was how I show up in this world with what I do. To my chagrin, I can see that I am still holding myself back, hiding behind the making process, not sharing consistently, not shouting from the rooftops, not backing myself wholeheartedly enough. Why is that? A lot of it stems from not yet overcome perfectionism, for sure. Then there is a bit of shame (yes, I regrettably have to admit that), too. Am I contributing enough? Am I a good enough person overall? Is it really acceptable to happily create and make while the world is burning? These and similar questions live in my head rent free and play out in a repeat loop, every time I feel a bit down or more vulnerable. On a healthy day, I can still answer all of them with “yes” though and for that I feel grateful, no matter how trite that sounds. What am I to do after all? I have to keep going, too, I cannot just give up or simply give in to doom, gloom, and expectations that are not my own. That would make me the kind of person I do not want to be, ie one who truly has nothing left to give or bring to the table. My donations may be small, my positive impact not reaching as far as I would like, but at least I am doing what I can, at any given moment. So there is that. The infamous inner critic, that intrusive and unwelcome voice of every unsympathetic, spiteful person I have ever met, real or imagined, needs to be told off and refuted.
And then, deserving of its own paragraph, there is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being seen but terribly misunderstood. While again, on a healthy day, I can say that I do not let that stop me, there is enough fear in me to still hold back. To not share my art as generously as I perhaps could, to not talk about it in any way, to just keep it all to myself, holed up in my safe maker’s space. If I think about it unfavourably, an image of a dragon in its lair comes to mind, the majestic creature curled up on its precious treasure. To what end though? I have had to ask myself the hard question of what it is I hope to achieve, beyond enjoying the making process. Is it fame? Financial gain? Recognition? Do I need any of those? The resounding answer to all of it is “no”, thankfully.
Don’t get me wrong, of course I’d like for more people to know about my creations, to be able to make a decent living consistently, to be valued and appreciated by people who understand me and my work. That is not my “why” though. There is a fine line between internal and external motivation and it’s easy for this line to get blurred occasionally. There is nothing wrong with being a (financially) successful, renowned artist/maker/creative at all. Naturally, I want to thrive in my endeavours, too! However… I cannot let that be my guiding light. If I depend on outside validation, algorithms, and acceptance on a wider commercial scale alone, I need to question whether I might not just as well do any other job that, arguably, could simultaneously be more useful on a practical level. This is where I draw the line. This is why I struggle with the notion of being a “brand”. We do not need brands, we need real people. Not people who jump through often literal hoops for a potentially viral reel, but people who make a concrete difference for the better in lives other than their own.
That sounds idealistic, I know. But this is how I roll and that is my why: I want to help people feel something, create things that spark conversations and engage. In short, I want to make people think about subject matters or concerns in a useful, productive way. In a way that invites them to reflect and make more informed choices. In a way that makes them pause and reconsider their actions as well as the consequences of these actions. In an increasingly individualistic world, the smallest social unit can still make a difference for the better, and we don’t all have to be the boring same for that either. There is beauty in that knowledge. And hope.
With all this going through my mind a lot lately, my February was spent trying to actively reject shame and fear around my artistic pursuits. This is very much a work in progress but I am honouring my “why” in any way that I can. Embracing radical self-acceptance is not for the faint of heart, and I still flinch from talking about or sharing my creativity on a regular basis. My mind is made up about it though, I want to restore myself to wholeness in this way. I reclaim my mattering in this world, and I want more people to feel they can be themselves rather than a version of themselves that they feel they have to be or perform. The aim is to not only craft or create or DIY but also to truly do it for yourself, knowing that this in turn can be helpful for others in more ways than we can imagine by ourselves.
Is all that a long-winded way of saying that I have a new project coming up? No. And yes. If you live locally, you may want to keep your eyes peeled for something I have been meaning to create and share for quite a while… As is often the way with me, as per my aforementioned struggle to “put myself out there”, these things take their own time and happen when they should. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So if you can wait for it, something a bit different and perhaps unexpected is coming your way around these parts of the world. Meanwhile, as a little nod to the monthly Happy Lists that came with my previous newsletter format, here are a few things that moved me recently, perhaps they can do the same for you. Watch Beef (if you haven’t already) and prepare to be blown away by some of the most accomplished story telling in this format in quite some time, in my opinion. I will carry that tale and all the emotions it brought up with me for a long time to come. Disturbingly good! On another side of the emotional spectrum, for me at least, there was One Day, based on the 2009 novel by David Nicholls, which stirred up a lot of feelings at the time when I first read it. Unsurprisingly, the story translates very well for some unbearably heartbreaking screen time and had me in tears despite knowing what would happen from the start. Impeccable casting in both shows and well worth your time.
Then there’s been some casual re-reading of folk tales from all corners of the world which I find myself drawn to in a strange, soothing, and almost childlike way. Not exactly sure yet what this will manifest itself into but I sense it could just as well stay within the pages of my sketchbooks… I find solace in this on wobbly days. Time will tell!
In anticipation of another globetrotting adventure later this year, I have been cooking (and eating!) a lot of Asian-inspired food. As it happens, I am still very inspired by Kristina Cho and her book Mooncakes and Milk Bread which was a great starting point for exploring part of San Francisco’s food scene during our epic road trip through California last year. Another experience that I only now start to feel comfortable sharing and talking about more. See, I really need to live through and document something in real time first, then let it all sink in, before I can reflect and divulge at a later stage. It is what it is. I just prefer to be fully present in the moment, whenever I can. Something, by the way, that both cooking/baking and crafting are ideal for, if you ask me! Try for yourself…
Anyway, this is it for now, I really must stop myself right here or else we’ll be at it for days… So much to share, once I put my mind to it. Not holding back.